Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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