if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
