i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
we should paint friendship bongs
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
