Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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