be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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