Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
