i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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