I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
