I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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