So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
