She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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