I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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