Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We're too hungover to prance.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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