hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
