if i can run in heels then i can drive
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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