Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
