mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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