i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
