WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
