I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
