You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
