The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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