Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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