Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
