i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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