I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
