I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
