What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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