the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
