I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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