I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
