If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
