My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
