Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
