If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
