I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
