Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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