Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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