Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
