Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I am naked and annoyed.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
