you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
