my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
40s are totally the cure
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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