Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
