When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
