NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
