Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
