just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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