You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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