areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
