I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
