My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
