my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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