Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
