nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
