Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
