Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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