its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
