I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
