awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
