im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
