I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
