I hate your face
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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