I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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