seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
